Fatherless Fag

Yes, that’s what I am. Well sort of.

You see, my sperm donor never really physically left me. But he was absent emotionally.

Most times, he came home from work, brought food into his room and stayed there until the next day. He cared more about his computer, guns, and fishing than he did about his own family. 

Why was my mother the only one raising us when she had a full grown, Buick-sized motherfucker lying around in bed making less money than she was?

Why was she a single mother while still living with her husband?

Why?

He would only speak when spoken to, and even then that wasn’t much. When he did want to have a conversation, it was about something that was out of place or wasn’t right or “If I was God I would have struck [you kids] down already”

And I was supposed to call this low life “dad?”

I’m not going to say I didn’t learn anything from him, and after all he did feed me. But even zookeepers feed their animals.

What was I supposed to feel after he verbally came at my mother like that? Coupled with his body language…I thought he was going to hit her. I thought he was going to do much worse than hit her. They’d already been having problems. So what else was I supposed to do? I had to protect the most beautiful woman in the world. I had to protect the queen.

I popped off.

And when I say popped off. I mean I popped the entire fuck off. I scared myself. It’s like I was possessed.

Anger was causing me to shake and my voice became like thunder and I’m not exaggerating. In that moment, I became a new person…all of the feelings of abandonment, anger, and pain came out in a burst of 5 minutes of non-stop yelling at the top of my lungs. They’d never seen me like that…I’d never seen me like that.

Well, needless to say, my father wasn’t going to hit my mother. He knew better, I guess. But he had that monster-like look in his eyes and I thought he was up to no good.

I thought he was going to hurt her. I mean there was only so much pain he could cause her emotionally, I thought he was going to resort to turning it into something physical.

But he didn’t and now I’m here wondering why the fuck he’s calling me.

You divorced my mom. You divorced all of us emotionally decades before that.

So why call now?

What the fuck do you want from me? If it ain’t about money, keep your damn phone call. We could have spoken for all of the 18 fucking years that I was in that fucking hell-hole of a house. Why do you want to talk now?

How dare you treat all of us like shit and expect me to answer a text, muchless, visit your bobble headed, two chin having, ho ho ho built, bitch ass?

My mother raised me. And I know the only reason you’re taking out these college loans is so that you can maintain your “godly” appearance to other people and tell them that you still take care of your kids.

It’s so hard to explain to other people how much of a piece of shit you are because you did not physically abuse me and your money kept me fed and clothed.

But parenting is about more than that and people can’t see the emotionless narcissist that you are.

They just can’t see it and I’m not about to make myself feel like I’m an idiot because they can’t see what I can feel and have felt. 

My mom made herself feel stupid and stifled herself and her emotions and essentially bowed to you before she took a stand and you guys separated. It obviously wasn’t a healthy way for her to live and I'm not about fall into doing what she did.

It’s hard for me to understand how you could claim to have loved my mother but yet you were the reason for most of her tears.

It’s hard for me to understand how you could have three children under the same roof and leave them for your hurting wife to emotionally raise all by herself. She had to be there emotionally for us because if she wasn’t, then we wouldn’t have felt love from any parent. She had to pretend like she wasn’t in pain to make sure that we were raised correctly.

Now I want to know: who’s the true faggot? Who’s the true bitch? Why did my mother have to step up and be MORE than the man in the relationship? She was the strongest one in that house.

I’m glad I don’t have to see your moon pie-built face anymore. 

Imagine, you had three kids and lived with them and not one of them wanted to live with your ass after the divorce. Not one. They all flocked to their mother.

So don’t fucking call me, bitch.

Don’t fucking text me, bitch.

Don’t fucking contact me, bitch.

Don’t expect me to feel sympathy, bitch.

Don’t expect me give two shits, bitch

The time to build a relationship has passed and your unchanging ass apparently didn’t want to do it anyway. You had 18 years motherfucker, and you abused it.

I have the rest of my future ahead of me and you are slowly but surely becoming a part of my past.

Why Gays Hate Church

It's a "sanctuary" but it never feels safe.

First of all, when I walk through the doors of said "fellowship" hall (where condescension is key to "progression"), don't look at me like I'm some kind of assignment.

No, I don't want to shake your hand that was probably browsing through porn last night and is now pinning that "Deacon" or "Elder" name tag to your shirt.

No, I don't want to hug any of you hypocrites. I can see your two faces already; there's no need for closer examination.

No, I don't want to smile for you.

No, I'm not interested in reaching out to the church near my college campus.

I'm just here because my mom always makes her kids go to service when they come back into town on school breaks. So let me sit down. Please.

Now, I'm sitting here listening to about 15 crying babies and a boring "message" from the pastor.

At least at this church, the pastor isn't a crazy middle aged man from the Carribbean that's bashing all other belief systems and laughing at "how two men could possibly desire each other"

A speech detour into homosexuality usually means he has run out of things to say. Bashing homosexuality always gets a few hundred nice laughs and a bunch of "Amens!" from the congregation. Nothing like stroking a pastor's ego. After all, being homosexual, according to the Bible has to be much worse than being self-obsessed. Right?

Those pastors were so concerned with "the end time", "will you be ready?", and "hellfire" that they forget the here and now. Aren't you supposed to love people into your delusion and not scare them?

That was my old church. My old church is the type to have me, their best musician censored (almost kicked out) after over 6 years of undying dedication simply over stupid a Youtube video (that was miraculously found by an anonymous member the minute I left for college).

Cowards much? Bring it up while I'm there. Don't act like y'all hadn't seen my channel before.

The only thing that kept me going to that church was: 
1. parents who forced me
2. The fact that I could play piano/organ while at a place I never wanted to be at to begin with.

A youtube video apparently meant much more than 6 years of 3-5 times a week of service. Welp.

After I was censored, my mom was annoyed. I wasn't. To be honest, she knew I hated that place. She knew I was giving less and less of a fuck about people knowing I was gay. I was "broadcasting it" as she said.

"I don't announce to people that I'm straight." she said

You don't have to, I thought, It's already implied. While people want me to hide every violation of heteronormative behavior and I'm not going to do it. I've been done with that since elementary school.

But enough of the old place. Let's talk about where I am right now. Nothing's really changed except the demographic of the congregation. I still hate it. This is why:

In life, I don't like being around people who don't like being around me: the real me.

I just want to disrupt this pastor's rambling and scream "I'M A FAGGOT!"

I wonder how many people would still want to sit next to me, muchless continue share the "good news of Jesus Christ" with me.

Why should I be forced to dress up and sit among people who wouldn't want to even share the same air with me if they knew who (or "what" as they say) I really was?

They claim to love everyone, but how much love would be poured on to me if it was suddenly revealed that I was gay? Would it just be damnation and condemnation?

Are y'all "sin" free? Or is homosexuality an easy target while you're over here listening to stolen music.

I won't subject myself to such invisible oppression. If you wanna love me, then love all of me. Since you can't do that, then you can find me where people will view me as a person and not as a walking project...

or as a topic to discuss around your family dinners.